The Crone - May 2021

"The reason that women feel so pressured to "remain youthful" is because the maiden isn't threatening to patriarchy."

    ~Bonnie Rose Flower

Welcome

Kia ora whānau and welcome to May 2021. This month's theme - The Crone - had me thinking about the shift from the abundance of early autumn to the stark beauty of skeleton trees, and my own shift into inescapable baldness. For my opening quote I struggled to find positive words about Crone-hood, but personally I welcome the wisdom and re-prioritisation that comes with the territory of aging and slipping the shackles of societal expectations.

Craft

May has been a great craft month! Jewellery still not getting a look-in, but knitting and sewing projects abound. I've started my other colourway of Lotus Flower Beanies, and I've been asked to make some hats for my wonderful friend's wonderful shop: SoulyNZ. They have been asked for woolly hats on the regular so I'm madly knitting up hats in my now-named "Gravel Road" pattern, in both beanie and slouchy styles, using Moonrise Yarn's "Drip-Drop-Drip" 10 ply.

I made a stash-busting beanie for a friend who shaved her head in solidarity with me (thanks, Libby!), I've started working out a Gravel Road cowl pattern, and out in the sewing room I made a bag for my oracle cards. Hippie accoutrements indeed. I'm still very slowly making a skirt which might possibly be ready to wear at my retirement party, and most of my sewing projects are still hanging on the wall. But it has been good to feel like making things and then actually doing it!

Ooo also I made perfumes with essential oils and it was a lovely activity. Hilariously, after keeping the cottage smell-free prior to starting, my partner chose that exact moment to take his steak and blue cheese pie out of the oven! So perfume-making was somewhat delayed but I got there in the end.

Season

Leafmageddon is nearly over, and the garden beds are covered in a thick blanket of leaves. I adored the blood moon eclipse, and marvelled at all those eyes, all over the world, looking up in wonder at our shared silver satellite. The fire has been lit and was so cosy I slept next to it with my furry familiar tucked behind my knees.

As Crone season begins I love seeing the trees shed their leaves - releasing that which no longer serves them; and feeling the world shift to a time of rest. One thing I always hated about working full-time in an office is how there is zero regard for the change of seasons. We like to pretend that we can keep our 8+ hour a day cadence regardless of what is happening to the earth and to our bodies as the seasons shift. It's a form of group insanity, and it's surely detrimental to our physical and spiritual health.

Health

I had a "Wig Day Out" with a fabulous friend and came home with a glorious long wig... which has sat in the wardrobe ever since. It's been a difficult process cutting, shaving and then losing my hair but it turns out I'm totally comfortable with a shaved head and beanie. However, it's another 5+ months of baldness so I'm sure the wig will get an outing or two. I thought that once my hair started to fall it would all be over in a week or so but nearly three weeks in it's taking its sweet time, and is just oddly fuzzy and patchy. I'm glad at least that the days of pulling a small hamster's worth of hair out of the shower drain are done with.

Not my actual shower drain

My partner and I went into the city in mid-May for my second round of AC chemotherapy and I had a gorgeously dramatic faint after the first attempt to get a line in failed. I've always prided myself on not being squeamish but it seems a previous failed attempt at line-getting-in has set up some kind of fainting response. Neat. Like a startled goat. To keep things weird, however, I didn't pass out but instead sat bolt upright, eyes wide open, totally unresponsive. It's called a vasovagal syncope and nothing to be worried about, apparently, although I did wake up with 8 concerned faces and a crash cart in attendance. Umm, hello, and thanks for coming. At least I know if anything serious does occur I'm in extremely good hands.

Eventually a line was inserted, the drugs were infused, and we toddled off home with a promise to bring me back to have a port put into my upper chest, so bloods can be taken and drugs given with no more bizarre eyes-wide-open-faints. The second round seemed to follow the basic run-sheet as the first, with the first 5 days essentially a write-off but getting slowly better from there.

I don't exactly enjoy those early days but I do appreciate being able to stay in bed as long as I like and having time to take proper care of myself. I think in future I'll take myself off somewhere quiet and loll about in bed till noon and spend the afternoon massaging oils into my face and body and eating tasty morsels. For a week. At least twice a year. Too much emphasis on achieving things and not enough on guiltlessly lolling about imbalances me.

I write this on Day 12 of round two and I'm feeling tired but good. We did a Reiki level 1 course today and it was wonderful but I forget how quickly I get low on energy. Absolutely nothing in the tank. I'm avoiding large groups of people and the supermarket, which is sensible as my immunity is very low but also I love being home and avoiding large groups of people and the supermarket. Small blessings. I've recently re-discovered Click and Collect and may never set foot in a supermarket again.

Shopping in my dressing gown without getting odd looks

One thing I've noticed is HOW GOOD really hot water and a really hot electric blanket feels in those early days. Amazing. On days 2-5 I just get into the shower and stand with my head leaning on the wall and let the water run over me. Not sure if its the chemo drugs or the steroids that affect me so much but I know when I'm pulling out of the fug as I actually move around when I'm in the shower, instead of the vertical lying-down on the wall.

And stretching. Omfg. Stretching feels INCREDIBLE. So good in fact I totally overdid it on day 6 and managed to make every single muscle in my body sore the next day. So I've dialled it back but wow. So good. As noted above I really love having time to do things that feel good, rather than all the things I feel I should (urgh) do. Maybe this is the true magic of the Crone for me - I will finally learn to release the shoulds and expectations and internal pressures and only expend my time and energy on the things I want to do. It feels radical. Society definitely does not want women to do that.

Chaps, I've noticed, are experts at protecting their leisure time but women are trained to offer it up in exchange for the ultimate in societal praise for us: SELFLESS. Have you noticed that this is the word we use when we want to describe how amazing a woman is? But not usually for a man? An incredible mother, daughter, wife, sister, colleague. Selfless. Without self. Without needs and wants - putting everyone else ahead of themselves. How incredibly convenient when one wants to go golfing, if one's wife / daughter / colleague is unknowingly striving for the state of selflessness and so sacrifices her time and sanity on the altar of shoulds.

Perhaps the reason society dislikes female wrinkles and grey hair so much is because they are the signifier of the Crone rejecting the system that keeps women in endless selfless servitude. Maybe once we no longer fear the loss of approval and attractiveness then we are truly free. I don't know whether that's true or not but it's fun to consider an army of Crones engaged in radical selfISHness, fighting for things that matter to them, not bowing to societal pressure to look and behave "properly". I hope I can grow more Crone-like soon. Maybe this will be my true gift from cancer.

Thanks for reading along and I'll see you back here next month for some proper June wintery goodness.

References

The Crone

We are taught to be afraid of witches and old crones from an early age, and for most women to be called a crone would be akin to being called a hag or an "old bag".

However, more positive connotations exist in the form of the Wise Woman or triple form of the goddess: the Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I think it's important to interrogate our own ideas around aging and the representation of women in media and society.

Personally I'm conflicted between wanting to stay looking young(ish) for as long as possible and also wanting to reject the notion of youthful beauty as the only worth a woman possesses. You know, I assume one day I'll be the old hag in the weird cottage that all the local kids are afraid of, and I'm totally ok with that :)