Linda Holman

     "Jealousy takes root in the soil of insecurity."       – Beth Moore.   Over the years I've been told a few times that I am insecure - usually not in a kindly way, and it always cut me to the core as I had no idea how to not be insecure. It felt like such a failing and being informed of it bluntly just made things so much worse. I've never understood how someone would think that shaming someone for being insecure could in any way make that situation better, but I suppose it came at the end of them trying to prop me up emotionally and eventually giving up in exasperation.  So it's something I've been aware of for a long time; however, it was on one of my stays at the retreat centre where I was really able to take a step back from it and see how much my insecurity had dripped poison into so many aspects of my life and relationships. It was shocking and knocked me off my emotional axis for a few days as I processed it.  I realised that...

  "There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen."  - Rumi. While I was staying at the cabin I had lots of time to sit and stare, to think, and to not-think and just listen to the feelings and ideas that arise in the absense of distraction - in the quietude. It is my favourite part of being there and I wish I could bring that state into my "normal" life more often, but that's a topic for another blog.  I have always been drawn to religion in general and Buddhism in particular, completing a degree in Religious Studies (and Art History) about 15 years ago. But I've never felt able to dedicate myself to one religion in particular, I appear to have some form of commitment phobia when it comes to my spiritual life! I struggle to see past human involvement in the divine as it is reported to us, and I don't think any one system of belief or ethics can apply to all humans.  But I've always said that if I HAD to pick one, I'd go for Buddhism. I like...

   “Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you . It’s calm, not full of checklists and chores. It’s simple: not multitasking; not fixing broken things.”  — Jennifer Williamson I love Christmas, but I get stressed out when I have too many social things to do around it. For me the best part of Christmas is the time when the tree is up - the smell of pine, and my husband and I cuddled up on the couch watching sweet Christmas movies. Time off work, time to relax on the deck with friends and family, the quietness of the week between Christmas and New Years. Time to rest and recharge. What I don't like is feeling pressured to buy gifts, cook for lots of people, or run around too much on the day itself. I don't like the drive to finish all the work, visit all the people, and do all the traditional things. I'm also not a fan of how much of the pressure to have the perfect time is applied almost exclusively to one person in the family - usually a woman....

  “ Recovery isn’t a gentle self-care spree that restores you to a pre-illness state. Though the word may suggest otherwise, recovery is not about salvaging the old at all. It’s about accepting that you must forsake a familiar self forever, in favor of one that is being newly born. It is an act of brute, terrifying discovery.” - Suleika Jaouad  I recently read over my New Normal blog from two years ago and thought it was time for an update. We are heading towards the end of the year and hitting some "cancerversaries" - 3 years since my mastectomy and reconstruction, and nearly 4 years since the diagnosis. Having lost my sister-in-law to metastatic breast cancer earlier this year I don't like to openly celebrate my survivorship - I'm glad to be alive and healthy of course, but making too much of a song and dance about it feels insensitive.  I've recently realised that the cost of my survivorship is a PTSD-like response to any kind of injury or illness - is ...

It's been a wee while since my last post - I wanted to take this year to really relax and recover, and try and figure out what my "new normal" looks like. I'd love to say it's been a year of ease and endless happiness but that'd be a lie. It hasn't been a bad year - but there have been a number of challenges I really wasn't prepared for. I don't think you can ever be truly prepared for cancer and its aftermath, you just have to roll with it and hope it doesn't run you over. Yay for drugs! I started the year moving into the (hopefully) final stage of treatment, hormone drugs. As my tumour was oestrogen recepter positive I am able to take drugs to block the production or uptake of oestrogen - which is a growth hormone that "feeds" the tumour. Taking these pills for the next 5-10 years helps to stop the cancer coming back. There are two types - aromatase inhibitors or Tamoxifen . Generally post-menopausal women (which I am now, tha...

 "Winter is coming"      ~Stark et al. Welcome Kia ora whānau. I planned the episode themes months ago, before I knew what my life would look like in 2021. April's theme is fitting, as the month had a sense of foreboding and oncoming chill - the seasonal shift towards winter and my internal shift towards anger and anxiety. Early April brought a phone call from my oncologist to say that the Oncotype testing had come back with a high-risk score, requiring the full 6 months of chemo. This was not the news I wanted, and to be frank, I was extremely pissed off. Whereas March had a lightness and playfulness, April felt like I was being dragged headlong into a dark tunnel. I was still doing all the same activities as in March, but now they felt rather hollow and joyless. Craft The chemo news brought with it a desire to make hats. Many hats. I finally received my delivery of yarn and pom poms from B Knits and set about making Lotus Flower Beanies . It's glorious yarn...

 "Duck love is recognizable in any language."      ~Edmond Manning A therapy duck In late January our neighbour's grandkids found a tiny mallard duckling on the highway, with no sign of its family around. They are kind-hearted folk so brought the fuzzy scrap of life home with them and set her up in their spare bedroom. Of an evening "Boots" the duckling would sit on my neighbour's shoulder and preen him enthusiastically. Hearts were melted and bonds were formed Tiny Boots the first day I met her I met Boots and instantly fell in love, and tried to spend at least a couple of hours every day with her. The feeling was mutual, and my heart officially melted when she squeezed herself under the spare bedroom door to chase me down the hallway. Ducklings are normally always with their family and we became her family - and parting was such sweet panic. The timing of Boots' arrival was such that I happened to have at least a couple of hours each day to spe...