The "new normal" - November 2022

It's been a wee while since my last post - I wanted to take this year to really relax and recover, and try and figure out what my "new normal" looks like.

I'd love to say it's been a year of ease and endless happiness but that'd be a lie. It hasn't been a bad year - but there have been a number of challenges I really wasn't prepared for. I don't think you can ever be truly prepared for cancer and its aftermath, you just have to roll with it and hope it doesn't run you over.

Yay for drugs!

I started the year moving into the (hopefully) final stage of treatment, hormone drugs. As my tumour was oestrogen recepter positive I am able to take drugs to block the production or uptake of oestrogen - which is a growth hormone that "feeds" the tumour. Taking these pills for the next 5-10 years helps to stop the cancer coming back.

There are two types - aromatase inhibitors or Tamoxifen. Generally post-menopausal women (which I am now, thanks chemo!) would take aromatase inhibitors (AIs) so I was started on them. It did not go well. My body appeared to take the list of potential side-effects as a To Do list. My joints ached, I struggled with stairs, exercise was a nightmare... but worst of all I began to spiral into depression and had constant thoughts of cancer recurrence. I didn't realise quite how bad I was until I met with the oncologist who took me off them immediately.

Whoops! not sure if it's drunk or clumsy... or both

So I had a little break and then started on Tamoxifen, which I had been super worried about. There are a lot of potential side effects - some of them very serious - but so far so good. Possibly some issues starting to show with my liver, but we are keeping an eye on it. I toyed with the idea of not taking it but decided I want to throw everything at this cancer so this is me for the next few years.

Evicted Mirror

During chemo I evicted the full-length mirror from the cottage as I didn't like seeing myself looking so bald and sick. Even though this was the same mirror that probably saved my life, out it went. A few months into 2022 I started to realise I was unconsciously avoiding looking at or touching my post-operative body - in fact doing so often made me feel nauseous. This was not good.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hating this amazingly resilient body so I reached out to the wonderful women at the Breast Cancer Foundation NZ who put me in touch with more wonderful women who taught me how to accept and care for this new version of myself. I'm so grateful to them, and to everyone who donates to cancer charities like this as they do such meaningful work.

I still have a way to go, and there's a few more bits of tidy-up surgery to do next year, but I'm feeling much more relaxed about it all than I was at the start of the year. I know that surgery was about saving my life and aesthetics come a long way down the list but it's still hard to deal with sometimes.

Cancer has taken some really important things from me, and although I've gained some positive things too I think I see the scars as the physical manifestation of the pain, loss, and trauma of it all. I'm trying to see them as markers of my strength but as I really hate the whole cancer-as-a-battle trope I struggle with the idea of "battle scars".

But I'm working on it. The mirror is back indoors and I'm getting used to this new body.

The Innards

If the first half of the year was figuring out how I felt about my exterior, the latter part of the year has been all about my insides. Unfortunately a few things have gone wrong lately - I'll spare you the "organ recital" but suffice to say I am currently lurching between feeling sad that my youth is well and truly over and feeling terribly motivated to live in the healthiest way possible. It's ok, the cancer isn't back but I seem to be embarking on some kind of illness-bingo. It's so annoying.

Oil have some of that thanks!

We are learning about the Mediterranian way of eating and I'm upping my exercise and yoga. I'm trying hard to stay positive but some days I get super pissed off about it all. But I've realised that although my mortality is waaaaaaay more present in my thoughts than it used to be, it has meant I now prioritise how I spend my time and I'm doing things that are meaningful to me - regardless of what others may think. So that's good.

I Love Studying Archaeology!

The absolute best thing that came out of last year was the realisation that I needed to study archaeology. I found an amazing course I can do via distance learning through Leicester University and although it's not always easy, I feel great knowing that ten year old me would be super proud of 48 year old me. I'm half way through my third module and have three more to go in 2023 and then I'll have a certificate! If I carry on I'll get a diploma and then a BA. It'll take 6 years all up, studying part time but that's ok - that time will pass anyway.

One day I'll be bone-bothering!

It's time consuming and expensive and means I can't do a lot of things I'd like to do but I don't care because it means the world to me that I'm studying something I've loved my whole life. I'm choosing to spend the time and money on this and any sacrifices around not being able to go out for dinner or clothes shopping or whatever are totally worth it.

I'm very lucky to have an extremely supportive employer and the ability to work part-time hours from home is greatly appreciated. Not everybody is so fortunate. And also I have an extremely supportive partner - living with a perpetually broke person is probably very very boring but he's good at hiding his frustration. :)

I Make Guided Meditations now!

When I was having treatment I liked listening to guided meditations on the InsightTimer app but I found a lot of them didn't address the reality of cancer treatments. Also I'm hopeless at visualisation - and a lot of cancer meditations involve imagining the tumour cells being zapped and so on, which just didn't work for my brain.

So a few months ago I purchased a microphone and started recording my own guided meditations for cancery people (and insomniacs). I publish them on InsightTimer - it's such a great app!

I really enjoy it, it's been good to learn something new and I get some nice feedback so I know they are helping people. It's choice to create something positive out of the shitshow that was 2021. And this week I was approached by a company who provide cancer coaching to see if I'd like to partner with them. It turns out I would like that very much, so that's what we are doing. I'll blog about it when it's a bit more finalised.

So that's my new normal - much quieter than my old normal but in many ways I'm living in a way that's far more true to myself. I'm constantly surprised at how much maintenance goes into this physical body nowadays but I think that's just a feature of getting older as much as it is of recovering from cancer.

Like everyone, I never seem to have quite enough time to do all the things I want to do but I do what I can and I'm much better at resting and worrying less about all that stuff I'm not doing. I miss aspects of the old me and my old life, but all things considered, it's a very good new normal and I'm very glad to have it.