Confessions of an insecure human

 

 

 "Jealousy takes root in the soil of insecurity." 

    – Beth Moore.

 

Over the years I've been told a few times that I am insecure - usually not in a kindly way, and it always cut me to the core as I had no idea how to not be insecure. It felt like such a failing and being informed of it bluntly just made things so much worse. I've never understood how someone would think that shaming someone for being insecure could in any way make that situation better, but I suppose it came at the end of them trying to prop me up emotionally and eventually giving up in exasperation. 

So it's something I've been aware of for a long time; however, it was on one of my stays at the retreat centre where I was really able to take a step back from it and see how much my insecurity had dripped poison into so many aspects of my life and relationships. It was shocking and knocked me off my emotional axis for a few days as I processed it. 

I realised that in many ways and for many years I had the same thought patterns as the proverbial bully - so unhappy with myself that I tore others down to make myself feel momentarily better. Hopefully I didn't do this directly to people very often, but I certainly inhabited that mental state more than I was consciously aware and it tainted so many of my interactions. I realised how closely aligned insecurity and jealousy were, and I could see that it had held me back from truly enjoying so many experiences. I was constantly waiting to be called out and ridiculed and it made socialising feel unsafe and stressful. 

People pick up on energy even if the words are pleasant, and I can't help but wonder how I must have seemed to others. But there is nothing I can do about that now except be grateful for the people in my life who could see beyond that and love and accept me as I was. I fear I've been unintentionally hurtful over the years, and there was one relationship in particular that I knew had suffered, and so I was able to make amends. It was painful and embarrassing but I'm glad I did it. 

In my next post I'll dig into how I was able to shore up my confidence and slowly pull away from my insecurities. I can't say I'm 100% secure in myself now, but I don't think terribly many people are! But I feel I'm more authentic in my interactions with people and I move more easily through the world. For me, it's been one of those things that was only really visible with hindsight; I didn't really know how much it was dragging me down until I became free of it.