Winter Solstice - June 2021

 "Of all the seasons, winter is the most conducive to the great art of dormancy. This art requires an appreciation of semi-consciousness: the beautiful and necessary prelude to sleep - a special pleasure in itself that is all too often neglected, under-valued or looked down upon."

    ~Michael Leunig

Greetings, dear ones. Today I write to you from both the warmth of my bed, and the midst of deep chemo-fog. Normally I'd wait for the fog to lift before writing but today I thought I'd just start moving my fingers across the keyboard and see what happens. So let's dive into June together.

Craft

Jewellery, finally! I had a burst of inspiration after repairing a necklace and bracelet for my Mum and so I made two crystal pendants and had an experiment with an idea I've been kicking around in my head for a while.

Firstly, the crystals: these are the first two that I've made for a while that weren't straight copies of pendants I'd seen online. My reasoning for copying being that I want to learn the techniques of making as I work out my individual style. I spent my entire adult life until very recently telling myself I am not a creative person, and that self-programming is taking a lot of de-programming. So I'm really proud of the two pieces that I created with only my own design plan to follow.

Both crystals need to be seen from both sides, so I created frames of the polymer clay to let the natural joy of the stones shine through. I really like making double-sided pendants, and I adore using mica powder to give the polymer clay the appearance of antique metal. I love crystals for their beauty and their tangible link to our home planet, and while I'm aware that crystals are believed to have different healing properties, I don't know that for sure one way or another so I appreciate them for being the beauties that they are and hope that they do indeed impart protection and healing.

As noted in an earlier blog I have toxicity concerns around polymer clay, so I switched to baking / curing it in a dedicated small oven out in the caravan. I'm going to have to come up with a better method of transportation as I dropped one of the pendants on its way to the caravan and had to redo it from scratch. Happily it came out better the second time around but the air was thick with curses as it happened!

The third piece was my first go at a Charles Rennie Macintosh leadlight rose. I am drawn to the sinewy, nature-based forms of the Art Nouveau period, and want to bring those elements into my work. I made this one on a piece of stone - a flat, sparkley slate - but I think I might work purely on clay for these pieces. Many more experiments to come here, and I've purchased a couple of Art Nouveau colouring books so I can trace the lines and make the shapes part of my muscle memory as I drape the clay.

Season

Although we have passed the shortest day, it is by no means mid-winter. We have had many glorious sunny days, and a couple of extremely rainy ones too - but it's been light on the bone-chilling weather. I've been glad of each rainy day as it means a day where I can stay curled up inside and not feel guilty for not doing work outside, which is an unhelpful pattern I'm trying to evict from my brain. My energy seems to be seeping away with the daylight and I've not been for a run for weeks now.

We had plans for a fire at the beach to welcome the sun for winter solstice, but rain put paid to that. Instead I stared at our indoor fire and made extremely vague plans for the next three years. Mostly centered around recovery, rebuilding, re-establishing - you get the general idea.

We went to Whanganui for the night to see friends and visit the Saturday market. It was wonderful to get a change of scenery, reconnect with a truly unique human, and remember there's a whole world outside the cottage. There was a delightfully creepy exhibition to visit, and I marvelled at the lit-up trees along the main street. Love a weekend road trip.

Health

Physically, apart from tiredness, I felt pretty good for most of this month. However, June has been a challenge emotionally, as I had a surgical consultation that reminded me this journey is still far from being over. It's easier to just focus on the next dose of chemo but plans have to be made for the next round of surgery, even though I'd rather put my head in the sand about it all.

I've taken down the bedroom mirror as I was tired of seeing my bald head and scars. It was a good decision, as I'm prioritising how I feel inside rather than how I look outside. That mirror saved my life, as it's where I first spotted the indentation from the tumour, but right now the constant reminders of cancer treatment are grinding me down so the mirror has been tucked away. I've had the last of the AC chemo now (YAY!) and it's been ok, but I feel hollow and look like a ghost and so minimal mirrors are my preference in these quiet days.

In order to make the upcoming weekly chemo doses a bit less fainty I've had a port-a-cath put in to my chest. I was not at all happy with it last weekend but it's settled down and proven its worth already, so I'm a lot less grumpy about it as I type this now. It's a strange thing, to be so grateful for the health care I receive and also so utterly over being poked and cut and stitched. Ok, I admit I'm struggling to think clearly through the chemo-fog so I will sign off, wish you a good day, and express my gratitude to you to reading along. Thank you so much.