Matariki and Yule - July 2021

 “From ancient times both Māori and European have, like many other cultures, enjoyed their new year celebration in winter. Winter is a natural time to pause and take stock, to reflect and make a new beginning.”

    ~ Juliet Batten, Celebrating the Southern Seasons

Kia ora whānau, thank you for being here. It is winter in the southern hemisphere and it's been an odd month of heavy rainfall (as in many places), cold nights but weirdly warm days. It has been interesting to sense attitudes around climate change finally shift as dramatic floods and wildfires stalk the earth, and I'm hopeful for a belated change in direction for humans as a whole. The season and chemotherapy have kept me tucked up at the cottage most days, and sewing has become my main creative focus.

Craft

I recently read a blog about how childbirth had affected the author's body and left her in a liminal state between her old life and the new. I relate to this as everything has shifted for me in this cancer journey: emotionally, pragmatically, relationally, spiritually, and physically. Some of these are welcome changes, but not all, and none were sought out. It's not about looking pretty, or being thin, but about not looking like me. While over the years I have reinvented my life over and again I've always looked the same. It's not necessarily a bad thing to look different, but it's very discombobulating, especially at a time when I sometimes feel my entire identity has been shredded without my permission.

You may remember at Easter time I cut out two skirts, both with fixed (not elastic) waistbands. I spent ages on the first one, hand-stitching the many seams. Unfortunately when I tried it on I realised I had put on so much weight there was no way it was going to fit. It was fairly disheartening after all that work, and needless to say the second one has not been started. Hopefully soon I'll gain the skills to add extra panels to them so they fit.

In light of that, this month my crafting focus has been on trying to find a new style that reflects my current reality through making clothes that will fit me, and will work as my body keeps changing in the months and years to come. I have a lot to learn about sewing, and am grateful as always for YouTubers who post clear instructional videos. I learned to sew as a child from my Mum and Nana, but didn't sew much until recently, so I have a beginners tendency to want to skip over the hard parts of the construction of a garment, but I've been slowing down and taking the time to learn. This has been rewarding, and will pay dividends in the future. It's frustrating though, as I just want to start wearing what I'm making immediately!

The first part of this long process to find things that suit me was to define the colours that flatter me and that I like. I used this website as a tool in that process, and also grabbed as many different coloured things I could find, held them up to my face, and took photos. It's been helpful to remove choice, as weird as that may sound, but I get totally overwhelmed when there are too many options and this has been great for improving my decision-making.

I've become rather obsessed with linen, particularly very gorgeous laundered linen from the wonderful Miss Maude's in Greytown. I have vague dreams of growing flax, processing it, and weaving it into fabric - making the world's slowest and most expensive hankie I'm sure! Maybe one day, but for now, I'll save up and buy it ready-made. I started my linen adventures with The Cuff Dress in a dark teal fabric. I did a practice run on an old sheet, as I didn't want to cut into the fabric until I understood the pattern. It's a simple pattern, but I am so glad I did the trial. I learned about the pattern and techniques like under-stitching that make a garment look way more professional.

Most definitely NOT posing for the camera with a wheelbarrow full of wood

Lately I've been wearing a lot of baggy dresses which are super comfy but I wanted something with a bit of shape, and the Cuff Dress cinches in with an elasticated waist. I'll be honest and say that I didn't like it at first, and I struggled to layer it for winter, so it's in the wardrobe awaiting a change in season. I'm trying to be self-compassionate and give my body credit for all the amazing work it's doing dealing with chemo but I think because I've been basically the same size and shape with the same haircut my whole adult life it's taking a while to adjust. But I'll get there.

The ghost of nighties past

Next up was a nightie that I made out of white linen using a plain dress pattern. Here I learned that a nightie isn't comfy with facing on the neck and sleeves, so I've unpicked it all and am learning about using bias binding. It's been a good lesson in thinking through the desired result and not just following instructions. Linen, while full of creases after a night of being slept in, is such a great fabric to wear to bed - especially as I'm dealing with hot flushes from the chemo each night. I think I'll make more, and maybe add fancy bits too, as my skills improve.

Hope I don't cock it up

My current project is the Elodie Wrap Dress in a rich brown linen. I'm very much taking my time on this as I don't want to cock it up. This was my first PDF pattern and I love that you can just print out the size you need. I printed out two sizes and had a go at adjusting the pattern to my measurements, hopefully it won't be a disaster! Happily I can re-print the pattern as my size changes again, which is a huge benefit over pre-printed patterns. I like the idea of a wrap dress as it's flattering, forgiving, and will be good following my mastectomy and reconstruction in December when I'll need loose things that I don't have to put over my head. Hopefully I'll be able to show you a finished product that I love in the next episode.

Season

Although June was the time of winter solstice, July was when we celebrated a mid-winter Christmas and the Māori new year - Matariki. The festival of Matariki has slowly gained recognition in wider New Zealand culture, and as of 2022 it will become a statutory holiday. It is the time when the star cluster variously known as Matariki, Pleiades, the Seven Sisters etc. returns to the horizon at dawn. A time when the store-houses were full of preserved food, a time to rest and reflect, and to gather with friends and family to feast and celebrate.

Yule love Greytown!

We were lucky enough to spend time with my partner's family in the city, celebrating his father's life; and we had a weekend in Greytown with friends to celebrate Yule at the Village Christmas Festival. It was good to relax with the people we love, and I had glimpses of my future normality which I really appreciated. 

The weekend felt like how Christmas should be - a few days of feasting and togetherness without a lot of pressure to buy presents and host a huge dinner. No 8-week overdose of Christmas music and exhortations to "show you care" by shopping... just pretty lights and night markets, and it all feels so much better in the early dark and chilly temperatures!

I feel like I reflect on my life maybe a bit too much and it sometimes gets in the way of living it, but it has been good to mark this time as the half-way point of treatment and start thinking about what my post-cancer life will look and feel like. But I've not gotten too caught up in that as just putting one foot in front of the other it enough for me most days.

Health

Finishing the AC chemotherapy and moving on to Paclitaxel felt like real progress. Half-way! Yay! It's a much easier chemotherapy to tolerate, with fewer supporting drugs, no brain-fog, and my hair has started to grow back! At the time of writing I've had two of twelve weekly doses, and I think having it weekly (rather than three-weekly) will get old really quickly. But it's nice to feel less run over by it all, and I'm building back up to a regular work and exercise schedule too, which is great.

The last round of AC was tough, I wasn't able to exercise much, I was feeling pretty down, and having the port inserted under general anaesthetic triggered a lot of anxiety around my upcoming surgery in December. But, as always, the nurses and other medical folks were incredibly kind and understanding and I've found my way towards accepting that the mastectomy is necessary. Our nurses are currently fighting to get safer staffing levels and better pay and conditions and I'm impressed every time I'm in hospital at how professional and compassionate they are under such trying circumstances. I really hope the negotiations go better than they have so far. As individuals and as a nation we need our nurses supported and able to do their jobs without overwork and unsafe staffing levels.

I, frankly, hated the port the weekend after it was inserted but am now so glad of it - it's making weekly chemo so much better than mucking around with the veins in my hands. The first two weeks of Paclitaxel are given in bed in a private room rather than in a chair out with everyone else, as there is a slight risk of serious allergic reaction. I've been fine, and will rejoin my chair mates this coming week. I'll miss my en-suite!

I've started the C25K running programme again, and am keen to get as fit as possible for surgery in December - while not pushing my body too hard. I've always been pretty terrible at ignoring my body's signals to stop and rest - if I'm in the garden I'll keep working without a break until the job is done, and then be wrecked for days after. In the spirit of Matariki's focus on rest and reflection, yesterday, whilst we were chopping and stacking wood, I was able to recognise that I was thirsty, that I needed a break, and actually I needed to go and have a nap. It didn't matter that we didn't get all the wood processed, what matters is that we made progress and I can do more tomorrow and the day after because I'm not wrecked. I think of all the times I've pushed myself to physical and emotional breaking point and have to wonder what it was that drove me on, ignoring messages from my own body.

More gratuitous wheelbarrow-posing

Perhaps it's because I've often worked in male-dominated industries, perhaps it's society's pervasive message that women just aren't quite enough, perhaps it's my own struggles with self-acceptance... whatever it is, it's not helpful. If this resonates with you then I want you to know that trusting our natural ebb and flow is a good thing. We aren't lazy. We need to rest. Nature always follows a period of growth with a period of quiet. An inhale to follow the exhale. The only thing that doesn't rest, as far as I can tell, is the cancer cell. And maybe rust... ok, I'm sure there's other stuff too but you get my drift. Madly thrashing ourselves to achieve goals at all costs, well, it's too damn costly.

So here's an invitation and some straight-up permission to stop. Rest. Breathe deep. Find a blankie - and a cat, if you're very lucky. Have a nap. Turn off the phone and curl up. Stare out a window, let your mind wander away from the to do list and into a daydream. Don't do today what you can put off untill tomorrow - I'm sure that's how the saying goes, right? ;) Try and unprogram the messages telling us that we need to be in a constant state of striving and achieving and consuming. Prioritise your rest. We can do it! I believe in us! zzzzz.....