Linda Holman

     "Jealousy takes root in the soil of insecurity."       – Beth Moore.   Over the years I've been told a few times that I am insecure - usually not in a kindly way, and it always cut me to the core as I had no idea how to not be insecure. It felt like such a failing and being informed of it bluntly just made things so much worse. I've never understood how someone would think that shaming someone for being insecure could in any way make that situation better, but I suppose it came at the end of them trying to prop me up emotionally and eventually giving up in exasperation.  So it's something I've been aware of for a long time; however, it was on one of my stays at the retreat centre where I was really able to take a step back from it and see how much my insecurity had dripped poison into so many aspects of my life and relationships. It was shocking and knocked me off my emotional axis for a few days as I processed it.  I realised that...

  "There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen."  - Rumi. While I was staying at the cabin I had lots of time to sit and stare, to think, and to not-think and just listen to the feelings and ideas that arise in the absense of distraction - in the quietude. It is my favourite part of being there and I wish I could bring that state into my "normal" life more often, but that's a topic for another blog.  I have always been drawn to religion in general and Buddhism in particular, completing a degree in Religious Studies (and Art History) about 15 years ago. But I've never felt able to dedicate myself to one religion in particular, I appear to have some form of commitment phobia when it comes to my spiritual life! I struggle to see past human involvement in the divine as it is reported to us, and I don't think any one system of belief or ethics can apply to all humans.  But I've always said that if I HAD to pick one, I'd go for Buddhism. I like...

  "Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien. Last month I had a little adventure followed by time at a retreat centre, and it felt to me like the perfect balance. I love my life, am grateful for what I have, yet still I get so energised by being in new places and stepping outside of the everyday ordinary routines. There's something about a trip away that opens me up to all the wonder and joy of our world and increases my ability to think in new ways about how to live my life and spend my time.  Driving north to the centre, I took a couple of nights to stay in a town I've never stayed in before and then in a city to visit with friends. The weather made driving on the first day pretty scary, with rain coming down so hard I had to pull over, but I made it in one piece and filled my cup with new views and old friends. Then on to Hobbiton, which I loved, and then to Sudarshanaloka, where I had five nights in a forest cabin in delightful solitude.  Driving up to the ...

   “Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you . It’s calm, not full of checklists and chores. It’s simple: not multitasking; not fixing broken things.”  — Jennifer Williamson I love Christmas, but I get stressed out when I have too many social things to do around it. For me the best part of Christmas is the time when the tree is up - the smell of pine, and my husband and I cuddled up on the couch watching sweet Christmas movies. Time off work, time to relax on the deck with friends and family, the quietness of the week between Christmas and New Years. Time to rest and recharge. What I don't like is feeling pressured to buy gifts, cook for lots of people, or run around too much on the day itself. I don't like the drive to finish all the work, visit all the people, and do all the traditional things. I'm also not a fan of how much of the pressure to have the perfect time is applied almost exclusively to one person in the family - usually a woman....

  “ Recovery isn’t a gentle self-care spree that restores you to a pre-illness state. Though the word may suggest otherwise, recovery is not about salvaging the old at all. It’s about accepting that you must forsake a familiar self forever, in favor of one that is being newly born. It is an act of brute, terrifying discovery.” - Suleika Jaouad  I recently read over my New Normal blog from two years ago and thought it was time for an update. We are heading towards the end of the year and hitting some "cancerversaries" - 3 years since my mastectomy and reconstruction, and nearly 4 years since the diagnosis. Having lost my sister-in-law to metastatic breast cancer earlier this year I don't like to openly celebrate my survivorship - I'm glad to be alive and healthy of course, but making too much of a song and dance about it feels insensitive.  I've recently realised that the cost of my survivorship is a PTSD-like response to any kind of injury or illness - is ...

  Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels "Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." – Lao Tzu A few weeks ago I saw "It's never perfect, make it work" written on a blackboard outside a barber shop and I thought it sums up how I think about life these days. I used to be very hard on myself and everyone around me, with very high expectations and a low bar for disappointment. I'm very glad those days are behind me, but sadly I don't think I was alone in that.  Society can be hard on people, especially young women, and the pervasive sense of never being good enough seems to be common for many people. I certainly used to feel like there was something just a bit wrong with me, and so it felt good to achieve things and receive praise from people. But so quickly the buzz of praise would fade and I'd be back to feeling bad about myself again.  This lack of self-wor...

  "Never believe that body is permanent. Body is like a water bubble. Mind is like a mad monkey." - Sathya Sai Baba   When I first heard the phrase "monkey mind" I immediately understood what it meant! I was a few years in to my meditation journey, and mostly this had consisted of making huge resolutions to meditate for impossible amounts of time, followed by disappointment that I was never able to "empty my mind" or stop thinking.  But learning that the nature of our minds is to be like a monkey - jumping from thought to thought as a monkey jumps from branch to branch - this was very freeing! That's just my mind being the best mind it can be. It's been running the show for a long time now and absolutely expects that any idea or notion that it flings at me will be given my full attention. I leaned that I didn't need to try and stop the thoughts, I just had to stop being carr...